A wise friend told me once; "if the train doesn't stop at your platform, it wasn't your train." It was at a time I was embroiled in a triangulated romantic drama that sucked up 3 years of my life. I wish I had listened. Of course, I realize that I needed something out of that experience, or it wouldn't have happened. But, I will never repeat anything even remotely similar. My heart is more important to me than that and so is my time. It feels SO amazing to have reached this place of comfort and ease within myself. I am not sure exactly when this shift happened but it was certainly VERY recent. In the last few months, all manner of things that were formerly complicated jumbles in my heart and soul have eased into simplicity. Not least of which my approach to love and relationships. In the past I was guilty of going after the wrong guys, men who were already taken or just otherwise unavailable. I have attempted to control every little aspect of dating, love and relationship with the part of myself that thought it KNEW what it was I wanted in a partner. This part of myself was scared. Scared that there was no one for me. Scared that I would go unnoticed. Scared that I would never be enough. This part of myself acted from this fear in ways that kept me blind to the not-rightness of the person I was (attempting) to be with. This scared little part of myself thought that it had to cajole, posture, pretend, pursue and manipulate in order to "get" the guy. Talk about exhausting! Here is what I now know....
The "right" man, that is the man that is right for me, IS out there. I will know him because it will feel right. I will know him because I won't have to twist myself into knots to try and please him, appease him or keep him. I will know him because my integrity will never have to be in a position to be damaged in order for us to be together. I will know him because he will be taking as many steps towards me, as I am towards him. I will know him from the twinkle in his eye and the ease in my heart. I will know him because my heart will expand instead of contract. I will know him, because it will just simple BE. So, the real work isn't in trying to "find" the right guy, but in enjoying the bejeezus out of my time as a single woman in the interim. Whew! This saves me from SO much drama, stress and heartache. Can you see how?
This trust in the inevitability of my match coming eventually, saves me from all the complicated mind drama of the past. The guy I'm attracted to has a girlfriend or wife? Not my guy. The man I expressed interest in, isn't into me? Not my guy. The man I'm attracted to starts speaking in ways that show me we are on two different pages in life and I would have to put myself in some box to match him? SO clearly NOT my guy. The dude I flirted with at a party leaves before we can exchange numbers? Nope, not my guy either. So, if I find myself in any moment stumbling into thinking I have to be or do anything other than what my heart wants to in a moment, I can remind myself that either it is or it isn't. No amount of inner origami will make it otherwise. That means I get to just f*cking RELAX. How awesome. How simple. How easy. How TRUE.
With you in love, not love, almost love and wanna-be love~